well i’ve been afraid of changing
Twenty-seven minutes ago I walked into the front door. I stayed over at a friend’s house, ‘cause at twelve forty-two last night, you bet your pocket-full-of-pixie-dust, I was not at all about the hour drive it would take to get home. And here I am, six forty-three a.m., laying on my bed crying, because of this song and what is going on in my life and the lives of those around me I love dearly.
This song triggers in me, not a lament over a lover, well, not a person, but something intangible. it remains a song of mourning to me, but it is over something that has had so much more influence in my life than any lover has had up until this point. When I listen to this song, I think about fear and worry and how I have cultivated a strong relationship with it.
My aim over the last four years has been to separate myself this dark and wretched thing. I would not say I have completely succeeded, though I’ve
come a long way on this journey. I am distancing myself from worry and fear and everything that comes with those sneaky critters, but still I hurt.
I hurt because my friends are just realizing they must do the same to get free, that they must put space between them and these things they have known for so long. I see that it is painful and frustrating, and that everything in your life gets questioned during the process of it all. I see them and I remember what I’ve been through to end up where I am. I see this and I pray, “My Lord, give us strength, but also give us weakness so that we may find you in our pain.”