well i’ve been afraid of changing

Twenty-seven minutes ago I walked into the front door. I stayed over at a friend’s house, ‘cause at twelve forty-two last night, you bet your pocket-full-of-pixie-dust, I was not at all about the hour drive it would take to get home. And here I am, six forty-three a.m., laying on my bed crying, because of this song and what is going on in my life and the lives of those around me I love dearly.

This song triggers in me, not a lament over a lover, well, not a person, but something intangible. it remains a song of mourning to me, but it is over something that has had so much more influence in my life than any lover has had up until this point. When I listen to this song, I think about fear and worry and how I have cultivated a strong relationship with it.

My aim over the last four years has been to separate myself this dark and wretched thing. I would not say I have completely succeeded, though I’ve
come a long way on this journey. I am distancing myself from worry and fear and everything that comes with those sneaky critters, but still I hurt.

I hurt because my friends are just realizing they must do the same to get free, that they must put space between them and these things they have known for so long. I see that it is painful and frustrating, and that everything in your life gets questioned during the process of it all. I see them and I remember what I’ve been through to end up where I am. I see this and I pray, “My Lord, give us strength, but also give us weakness so that we may find you in our pain.”

i feel a bit materialistic posting about some shoes i just ordered, but i have not bought myself a pair of new shoes (let alone shoes of any quality,) in a long time. i think i feel this way because of my self worth, and while i have come a great distance as far as loving who i am, i think i still have a ways to go on this journey. 
I don’t instantly think people are overly materialistic if i see someone talk about some piece of clothing they recently picked up, so after a moment of discomfort followed by inspection of these shoe feels, i see that i have held a double standard of sorts. i have trouble spending money on clothes for myself. where as in the past i had a vague difficulty justifying a purchase, which i now see is peculiar, because i am not one to have an overflowing closet. i just don’t have that much clothing. i don’t need that much clothing. for other people it was, “yeah! you are alive breathing and trying to do life, you have lived through so much and you deserve nice things.” yet, for myself it was nothing near. at any rate, i feel i deserve a good pair of shoes for my feet, they take me to loads and loads of different places. they need to be cared for. 
thanks for reading this far is you have. honestly, you gotta believe me when i say that i didn’t intend to write more than a sentence or two on these shoes. but i am tired and quite introspective tonight. good night, lovely people. you are so lovely. 
tl;dr i am ordered a pair of shoes. i shouldn’t feel guilty for buying new shoes. i am overly excited for them to arrive, aaaaaand my feet deserve comfortable kicks. 

i feel a bit materialistic posting about some shoes i just ordered, but i have not bought myself a pair of new shoes (let alone shoes of any quality,) in a long time. i think i feel this way because of my self worth, and while i have come a great distance as far as loving who i am, i think i still have a ways to go on this journey. 

I don’t instantly think people are overly materialistic if i see someone talk about some piece of clothing they recently picked up, so after a moment of discomfort followed by inspection of these shoe feels, i see that i have held a double standard of sorts. i have trouble spending money on clothes for myself. where as in the past i had a vague difficulty justifying a purchase, which i now see is peculiar, because i am not one to have an overflowing closet. i just don’t have that much clothing. i don’t need that much clothing. 

for other people it was, “yeah! you are alive breathing and trying to do life, you have lived through so much and you deserve nice things.” yet, for myself it was nothing near. at any rate, i feel i deserve a good pair of shoes for my feet, they take me to loads and loads of different places. they need to be cared for. 

thanks for reading this far is you have. honestly, you gotta believe me when i say that i didn’t intend to write more than a sentence or two on these shoes. but i am tired and quite introspective tonight. good night, lovely people. you are so lovely. 


tl;dr
i am ordered a pair of shoes. 
i shouldn’t feel guilty for buying new shoes. 
i am overly excited for them to arrive, aaaaaand
my feet deserve comfortable kicks.